


Goodbye

by unacaritafeliz



Series: Right Person.... [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Crying, Gen, Goodbyes, Graduation, Love Confessions, M/M, chowder appreciation squad, rated t for language and t for tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 08:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19663714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unacaritafeliz/pseuds/unacaritafeliz
Summary: Derek's quiet as he pushes open the door to Faber, his graduation gown billowing around his ankles. He hadn't really expected to come here after the ceremony today - the Frogs had already said their goodbye to the rink, already pressed their lips against the cold, hard ice and spent the night sharing a teal Sharks blanket on the roof - but when Chowder had messaged 'Faber?' to the Frogs group chat, Derek hadn't even hesitated.[The Frogs graduate].





	Goodbye

Derek's quiet as he pushes open the door to Faber, his graduation gown billowing around his ankles. He hadn't really expected to come here after the ceremony today - the Frogs had already said their goodbye to the rink, already pressed their lips against the cold, hard ice and spent the night sharing a teal Sharks blanket on the roof - but when Chowder had messaged _'Faber?'_ to the Frogs group chat, Derek hadn't even hesitated.

Chris Chow stands next to the glass now, solemn, with his arms folded across his chest. The Chris Chow of right now looks so different from the Chris Chow of the taddy tour, with his hoodie and braces, standing with his hands pressed against the glass in wide-eyed wonder, but at least the dress shirt peeking out from under his robe is a familiar shade of teal. Despite this, Derek thinks that Chowder's changed the least out of the three of them; Derek and Dex came to Samwell both with a million ways they needed to improve but Chris came to Samwell damn near close to perfect and has only gotten better over time.

Derek's said a lot of hard goodbyes today, but he knows this one is going to hurt the most. Of all the amazing, incredible things that have happened to him whilst he's been at Samwell, Chris Chow has undoubtedly been the best. He's the best man Derek's ever known and the best friend he will probably ever have.

There's no words in any language Derek knows that could come close to describing how much Derek's going to miss him.

Derek walks over, and knocks his shoulder against Chris'; soft, yet purposefully. "Hey," he says, quietly. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah," Chris replies. His voice barely more than a whisper and he doesn't pull his gaze away from the ice. "I just wanted to come here one last time."

Derek smiles, soft and melancholy. He reaches over to where Chowder's arms are crossed and gently untangles one, pulling it down into the space between them. He tangles their fingers together, feeling validated when Chowder's fingers tighten in the space between his.

"I can't believe it's really over," Derek says. "It seems like it was only just the other day when we were touring Faber, and Bitty was bribing us to join the team with goodie bags."

"If you listen carefully, you can even hear the sound of a repressed white republican saying _'I thought guys on Jack Zimmermann's team would be less into baking'_ ," Chowder says.

Nursey snorts, collapsing against Chris' shoulder in a small fit of quiet giggles. Chowder laughs along with him. Chowder's laugh has always been one of Derek's favourite sounds. It's a sound that makes you feel like flowers are growing inside of you.

Derek wishes he could bottle it up, now that he won't be hearing it through his bedroom wall every morning.

"He's come a long way," Chris says, softly, and Derek has to take a moment to remember they were talking about Dex. "We all have, I guess."

"We have," says Nursey. "We've done everything. We got our degrees, went to parties, co-captained a hockey team than won the fucking playoffs. There's not a single thing I would do differently."

Derek means it. Sure, it was kind of stupid when he broke his arm, and he could really have done without the entirety of the Dex situation, but Derek's completely content with the way his college years have gone. He's made friends that he knows will last him a lifetime, and enough memories to keep him happy for just as long. He'd do it all again, the exact same way, if only it meant that he'd be standing here hand in hand with Chris Franklin Chow at the end of it.

"I just wish we had more time," Chowder says, quietly.

"Me too," Nursey admits. "But, you, at least, are moving onto bigger and better things. The next time I see you will on TV. You'll be stepping out onto that sweet San Jose ice dressed in the same teal you've worn your whole life and you won't even remember what it felt like to be dressed Samwell Red."

It's a sad thought, that Chowder might forget about Samwell, forget about him. But even as he says it, Chowder's fingers tighten around his, and Derek knows that Chowder's not going anywhere, not any time soon, at least.

"I won't forget," Chowder says. "I'm obviously honoured as hell to have sighed with the Sharks, but... Faber is my home. It's the first rink I ever skated at. It's where I got to skate with my best friends, where I got to captain the NCAA champion team. I'll never forget how it felt to stand in the goal for Samwell, and I'll never forget how it felt to take the ice with you, Derek."

Chowder's voice breaks on the last sentence and, even without looking, Derek knows that he's crying. Derek wipes his own face as tears form unbidden in his eyes too. He swore he was done crying for the rest of the week at least, but he can't help it. He loves Chowder, and has loved every moment he's spent with Chowder and by this time next week he and C are going to be on opposite sides of the country without any idea of when they'll see each other next.

And it hurts.

Derek pulls on Chris' hand until they're facing each other and takes his other hand as well. His finger rubs against the back of Chowder's hands.

"C..." Derek starts, talking more to their hands than to his best friend. He doesn't have the courage to look Chris in the eyes and say all he needs to say. "I don't even know how to begin to thank you. You've been everything to me these past four years. Like, I wouldn't even be standing here right now if I didn't have you. You're my best friend, and I know I put you through a lot..."

Chowder interrupts him by tugging on Derek's hands until they're wrapped together in a hug. Derek buries his face in Chowder's shoulder, soaking his rented graduation gown with tears.

"You're my best friend too," Chowder says, quietly.

It's a short declaration.

But it's enough.

"I'm going to miss you so much," Derek whispers, his voice rough with emotion.

"We'll stay in touch," Chowder says, and he sounds so much like he means it that Derek almost believes him. "We'll text and call and Skype all the time. And every time I play the Rangers in New York, I'll steal away from the team to sleep on your couch."

"I'm not going to let the best goalie in the NHL sleep on my couch," Derek says, because it's easier than trying to vocalise the vastly different amount of effort between staying in touch with someone on the other side of the country and staying in touch with someone you share a bathroom with.

"Whatever," says Chowder, pulling away to look Derek in the eye. "The point is we're not going to lose each other. I promise. There's nothing that will ever stop me loving you and checking in with you, okay? You're stuck with me until we're dead, bro."

Derek smiles. His heart feels so damn full.

"Thank you," he says. "I love you, C. So damn much,."

"I love you too, Derek!" Chowder says, and despite the fact he's obviously still crying, Derek can hear the sunshine in his voice.

The door to Faber suddenly bangs open, and Derek instinctually turns his head towards the sound. Will Poindexter leans against the door frame, gasping for air. He's out of his graduation gown, and his precisely trimmed red hair clings to his forehead with sweat.

And, usually, the sight of Dex is enough to activate Derek's Fight or Flight response (and he nearly always chooses Flight, these days) but today, Derek just feels at peace. Regardless of what happened between them, Dex has been a huge part of his life at Samwell, for better and for worse. There's a goodbye that needs to be said between them too.

"Oh, good, you guys are still here," Dex says, between gasps for breath. He's talking faster than he usually does and his face is flushed pink from his run. "I had to return my gown and I didn't see your text and I wasn't sure how long you were going to stay so I..."

"Dex, breathe," says Chowder. "It's okay. We wouldn't have left without saying goodbye to our favourite lobster."

"Yeah," says Derek, softly. And then, feeling confident in the knowledge that no matter how mad Dex gets, Derek won't have to deal with it anymore, he adds, "Chill."

Surprisingly Dex doesn't roll his eyes. Instead, his face lights up in what Derek can only call surprised delight, even though there's no way that's actually the emotion he experienced. Still, it seems that not even grumpy William Jacob Poindexter is immune to the bittersweet emotions of graduation.

Dex walks up to them and quietly slips an arm around Chowder's back. Chowder slings his arm around Dex's neck, just like how Derek used to do back when he was still allowed to touch him, and tangles the fingers of his other hand with Derek's. Although they're both intimately connected with Chowder, Derek and Dex aren't touching. It's poetic, in a way; symbolic of their entire relationship at Samwell.

"My boys," says Chowder, fondly. "The greatest trio Samwell Men's Hockey has ever known."

And, well, who's Derek Nurse to pass up one last chance to rile up Chris Chow?

"Actually, the tadpoles are pretty iconic," Derek says, just to be contrary.

"The Waffles are that perfect balance of disastrous and yet really cool," Dex offers, obviously catching on.

"Ollie, Wicky and Bitty?" Derek asks. "Literal Queer Icons."

"Yeah, and Ransom, Holster and Lardo-" Dex starts.

"The _Greatest_ ," Chowder interrupts in his Captain Voice. Derek and Dex fall into giggles beside him. "Though, Jesus Christ, there are a lot of epic trios on this team."

"We're definitely the best though," Dex confirms. "Frogs for life!"

Derek's startled by Dex's enthusiasm. Sure, he's always known that Dex loves Chowder, but he's always been kind of an unwilling participant in the Frog trio. Derek glances at him over Chowder's shoulder to try and work out if his ex-partner is being sarcastic, but Dex is staring at the ice and won't meet his eyes.

"Yeah," Derek agrees, faintly. "Frogs for life."

A silence falls over the three of them. It's not uncomfortable. After four years, Derek's learned how to appreciate Chowder's friendship even in moments of quiet and when it comes to Dex... well, Dex being quiet means Dex isn't yelling at him. Derek's content to exist in the silence. He'd be content to spend the rest of his life in this moment forever if it meant he'd never have to let go of Chowder's hand. Even if it meant spending an eternity with Dex by his side too, Chowder would be worth it.

It might be minutes or hours later when the soft sound of a phone vibration ripples through the quiet. Chowder fishes his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans. His eyebrows furrow as he reads the text.

"It's Cait," he says, softly. "Her parents want us to take photos on Lake Quad. I guess I should..."

Derek doesn't mean to panic, really he doesn't, but his fingers tighten around Chowder's without his permission.

He _hates it_ , hates how dependent he is on the people he loves, hates how he's never been good at saying goodbye to anyone or anything, but he really doesn't want to let go of Chowder's hand. He's not ready to say goodbye - not to Foxtrot, or the team, or the Haus or the rink and especially not to Chowder.

"I love you," Chowder says to Derek, kindly. He glances at Dex. "I love both of you. This isn't goodbye, I promise. We'll see each other again soon."

Derek blinks back tears, and forces himself to look into Chowder's dark brown eyes. Chowder's not even pretending that he's not crying and Derek loves him all the more for it. He commits every detail of Chris' eyes to memory. He'd found comfort in those eyes more times than he could count. He'd found a home in them. He never wants to forget a single thing.

He lets go of Chris' hand.

"Goodbye, C," he says, as the tears start falling down his face.

Chowder hugs Derek first, long and warm, with his arms enclosing Derek tightly in his embrace. Derek buries his face in Chris' neck and Chowder lets Derek hold on for as long as he needs to, only letting go when Derek does. Then he turns to Dex.

The look Chowder gives Dex before hugging him is not one that Derek has any hope of understanding. They seem to have an entire conversation with just the lift of Chowder's eyebrows and the nod of Dex's head. Eventually, Chowder nods, smiles, and pulls Dex into his arms and Derek is surprised to realise than Dex is crying too.

He's never known Dex to cry.

"I'll text you," Chris says, to both of them.

He smiles at them, that big, sunshine smile that warms Derek from the inside out.

And then he goes.

A part of Derek goes with him. He watches the door of Faber until it swings completely shut behind him.

"He was too good for us," Dex says, quietly. "He is too good for us. He's too good for everyone, really."

Derek glances over. Dex is wiping tears from underneath his eyes, not even bothering to hide it from Derek. Derek nods his agreement, but doesn't speak. He doesn't know what to say to Dex. He's never known what to say to Dex. He spent the first two years at Samwell pissing Dex off with everything he said, and the last two years desperately trying to hide every facet of his actual personality from his defense partner in order to avoid pissing Dex off with everything he said.

He's not in the mood to construct a Dex-approved personality now, so he guesses he'll just stay silent.

He really should just go, fake a text message from one of his parents and get out of there, start the long journey back to his moms' brownstone back home, but there's something about the way Dex is holding himself that makes Derek pause. It looks like Dex actually wants to tell him something. God only knows what it is but Derek thinks he willing to wait for him, just this once.

After all, his friendship with Dex is not like his friendship with Chowder. They won't text or Skype. They might see each other at hockey games, or barbecues or weddings if their schedules line up right. If Derek doesn't hear him out now, then he's never going to hear what Dex has to say.

And he's still kind of hoping they'll somehow leave each other on a positive, if he's being honest.

"So," Dex says, after a moment of silence. "You're heading back to New York City right? C said you were gonna keep working for that publishing house you intern at every summer?"

Derek blinks, surprised Dex has somehow both procured and actually remembered information about him. This is the guy that used to forget Derek is Muslim at least thrice a semester. He assumes Dex still doesn't remember it. They haven't talked about it in a while. A person's religious beliefs don't really come up in conversation when all you talk about is hockey.

"Yeah, I was always planning to end up there," Derek says. "I've been working there since I was fifteen, and I think I could make a career out of publishing while I try and work on my own writing. What about you? Are you heading back to Maine?"

"No," Dex says, emphatically. Nursey hears the unspoken 'fuck no, absolutely not' behind his words. "Well technically yes, I guess, but only for a little while. I took a job with a small tech-start up working in the environmental industry. I'm starting there at the start of July."

"Oh?" says Derek, hoping he sounds interested enough. The conversation is taking too long and talking to Dex always tires Derek out. He's starting to wonder if Dex actually has anything to talk about, or if it's just wishful thinking on his part. "That's cool. Where is that located?"

"They have two offices," Dex explains. "I still haven't really decided which one I want to work in."

Derek realises suddenly that he doesn't care. He really, truly, doesn't. It doesn't matter if Poindexter's job is in Queens, or Australia or the _fucking moon_ \- they're not friends and they're not going to see each other.

And he's not going to apologies. Derek's an idiot for always pretending Poindexter's going to come through.

"Where are the offices?" Derek asks, just to be polite. He reaches into his gown to pull his phone out from his blazer pocket.

"One's in California, about an hour or so from Chowder," Dex says. He takes a deep breath, so loud and shaky that Derek looks up from where he's pretending to read a text on his phone. "The other's in Manhattan."

The phone doesn't fall from Derek's grip and smash to pieces on the floor of Faber, but it is a very, very near thing.

Because there's no way that Dex is implying what Derek's brain really, honestly, thinks he's implying. This is the guy that held an overnight vigil over the thought of sharing a room with Nursey, and then moved out of said room because Derek was finding it hard to keep it completely neat and organized with a possible concussion and the use of only one arm. There's no way, absolutely no way at all, that Dex is implying he wants to follow Derek home to New York City.

Derek opens his mouth to respond, but his brain has temporarily lost the ability to form words. He shuts his mouth, takes a second to find some much needed chill, and tries again. "I thought you didn't like New York," he says.

Honestly? It's not the dumbest thing he's ever said.

"I don't, really," Dex says. "But you're moving back there and, I, uh..."

 _'What the fuck?'_ Derek thinks, wildly. _'What the actual goddamn fuck?'_

"Look, I know we haven't really been good friends at Samwell," Dex says, in what is probably the biggest understatement of the century. He's not even looking at Derek anymore. Instead he's staring through the glass at the rink like he could melt it with his eyes if he only looks hard enough. "And I know that's probably mostly my fault but... I've come to realise that I like you, Nursey, and I think it would be a shame not to see if we can make it work."

There's no fucking way Derek processed those words correctly.

"Dex," Nursey says, softly. "Dex, what the fuck?"

Dex's turns to look at him, his eyes wide and horrified and Derek's brain catches up with his mouth.

"Shit, fuck, no, Dex," Nursey scrambles to backtrack. "I didn't mean that, I just meant..."

He just meant _'what the fuck?'_ because what the fuck? Dex spent over two years of their college careers making it damn clear that he wants nothing to do with Nursey and then almost two years of their college careers having almost nothing to do with Nursey and now that he's able to say goodbye and actually have nothing to do with Nursey he's decided that he wants to be with Nursey? What the goddamn fuck?

"I guess that answers that then," says Dex. He's back to staring across the ice and his voice sounds so goddamn small. "I'll just go."

Dex turns away from the glass and starts walking towards the door. He doesn't look at Nursey. And maybe it's stupid, but Derek's never really known how to leave something well enough alone. He can't let Dex leave like this, can't let him spend the rest of his life thinking that this was Derek's only reaction to what might have been an honest to god _love confession_. He reaches his hand out until it almost touches Dex's wrist but changes his mind at the last minute, dropping his hand down to his side instead.

"Dex, wait!" Nursey says, a little desperately. Dex actually stops walking. He even turns his body towards Derek. He's just full of surprises today, it seems. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm just confused. Are you saying that you like me? Like, romantically?"

Dex sighs dramatically, but he doesn't move any closer to the door. The tips of his ears are flushed pink. "Don't make me say it again," he says to the floor.

"But you hate me," Derek says. This is the one thing in his life he's known with 100% confidence is true. "You've always hated me."

"I don't," says Dex really, really quietly. "Not anymore."

Derek's immediate instinct is to argue, but he knows that won't help. He has to think about this logically.

Clearly, Dex and Derek started off hating each other, that's a non-negotiable fact of the universe. Derek, of course, had stopped hating Dex sometime during their sophomore year, when he and Dex had become friends and Dex stopped being so ignorant and rude about every goddamn thing. Derek had even started having feelings for Dex, that is, until the dib flip (and all that other bullshit) happened. Maybe Dex had experienced a similar change of heart?

Derek can't work out when that could have happened though. Dex had definitely hated Derek when he'd moved out of their room in junior year. And what could had even happened after that to make...?

' _Oh,'_ Derek thinks, as the pieces finally fall into place in his mind. _'Oh, of course.'_

"I don't think you actually like me," says Derek, quietly. "Ever since you moved out, I've been... distancing myself from you, trying not to piss you off so much. I get that the person I've been around you is such a huge improvement on my regular personality that he might have sparked an interest for you, Dex, but that's not me."

Dex frowns. His amber eyes flash angrily, and it takes Derek all the chill he has left not to flinch away from him.

"I don't have feelings for the person you've been around me for the last two years, Nursey," Dex snaps. "I don't like the Derek Nurse that tenses when I walk into a room and won't meet my eyes when we're off the ice and won't even smile at me even when I score off his goddamn assist!"

Derek can't breathe. He hadn't thought Dex had cared. He'd never said anything, never done anything, to try and get Derek back to his usual self. Derek had honestly thought Dex had been thrilled to have finally gotten away from all the annoying, prickly qualities of Derek Nurse.

"I've regretted pushing you away every day since I left our room," says Dex. His voice is softer. "I missed you. I missed the sound of your laughter and the feel of your arms around my shoulders and all your stupid dumb jokes. I fell in love with the Derek Nurse I missed, and the Derek Nurse I saw giving his heart to every single person on this team except me."

Derek and Dex both seem to realise what exactly Dex said at the same time. The entirety of Dex's face goes red and Derek's entire brain shuts down. He's imagined Dex telling him he loves him a hundred and one times before. He's never thought it would happen, and it's been a long damn time since he's even, honestly, wanted it to.

He needs a minute to process this - no, actually, he needs many, many minutes to process this - but he knows Dex isn't going to give him that.

"Fuck," says Dex, he takes a step towards the door. "I should go."

"Why didn't you say something?" Derek asks, instead of just letting him go.

Dex shrugs. "I didn't know what to say," he admits, "I was scared. You're too good for me, and I know I hurt you, I thought you'd say no. But I don't have the luxury of being scared anymore. If I didn't ask you now I was never going to see you again, and I don't want to never see you again."

And it should sound sweet, but... It's that answer, more than anything else, that makes Derek's mind up for him.

Dex had treated him so badly that Derek had spent the last two years desperately wondering if his personality was that bad, if he was honestly so unlikable that Dex couldn't stand being around him. And Dex had known how Derek had felt, at least in part, but had been too scared and too goddamn selfish to assuage Derek of those fears.

Fuck that.

Foxtrot is right. Derek does deserve better.

"I fell in love with you in sophomore year," says Derek.

It's the wrong thing to say, because when Dex turns to look at him, there's the thinnest sliver of hope shining behind his eyes.

Derek has to shatter that hope. He has to put himself first, for once.

"I fell in love with you sophomore year," says Derek. Tears spring back to his eyes, but these are not the bittersweet tears he cried moments ago for Chowder. These hurt of a love he's never really been able to get over even when it killed him. "And you broke my heart. More than once."

"Nursey..." Dex starts. "Derek, I..."

"You say you love me, but you've never cared enough to apologise to me," says Derek. "You made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like I couldn't even be myself around anyone, let alone you. And yet I still kept loving you, kept giving you chances to somehow turn this around but you never came through. You just kept hurting me."

"Derek, I'm sorry," Dex says as Derek furiously wipes tears away from his eyes. "I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise. I'll come to New York and I'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated, the way I should have been treating you all along. I'll..."

"No," Derek cuts him off. He sighs, takes a deep breath. "Dex... No."

The fight leaves Dex's body in an instant. He looks like he wants to cry.

Derek has spent more nights than he can count crying over Dex but he has never, not once, wanted to make Dex feel the same way he did. He's never wanted to make Dex cry.

"I'm sorry," says Derek, and he means it. "Maybe if we had more time at Samwell, you could've proved it to me before we had to say goodbye. But, it's different, going to New York. I don't trust you enough to see if it'll magically work out between us there. I want to leave all this behind me."

He doesn't say it, but he can hear the unspoken 'I want to leave you behind me' in his voice. From the look on Dex's face, Dex can hear it too.

There's silence for a moment. Dex covers his face with his hands, and exhales sharply. Nursey can't tear his eyes away from him.

"Okay," Dex says, eventually, moving his hands away from his face. "If that's what you want, I understand. For what it's worth, I regret every thing that lead us here. I wish I could be the kind of person that deserved you, Derek Nurse. I'm sorry I'm not."

Dex doesn't move to hug him or even to simply shake his hand. He simply takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders and walks to the door of Faber, the same way someone might march to their death.

When Dex reaches the door, he turns around. His eyes travel all the way from Derek's boots to his hair, before settling on his green eyes, like he's trying to commit it all to memory.

He looks at Derek like he's never going to see him again and Derek thinks he probably never will.

"Goodbye, Derek," says Dex.

And then, with the smallest smile imaginable, Dex turns and walks through the door. The door's barely swung shut before Derek falls to the ground, his back to the glass, and cries.

**Author's Note:**

> THERE'S A PART TWO COMING BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR AND IT'LL BE SOFT AND HAPPY AND ROMANTIC AND I'LL FIX IT I PROMISE PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
> 
> (if you want to yell at me a little here / on tumblr though? I probably deserve it)
> 
> Thanks to Shelly for being such an amazing cheer-reader as always <3


End file.
